Am I still alive?

Earlier I was 62 by weight, sooner I turned into a 84 bumpy mammal and today I’m 70. I aspire to be 50 again and I know till that time I wont’ feel ALIVE.
There was a time I used to get infinite admiration; from friends, strangers and relatives. Today if someone pass a joke on my back about my bulging tummy, dull face or anything ;that’s so easy to make me feel depressed about my own personality. You give me even a tiny hint about your dismay and I will ensure to cross all limits to hurt myself.
I feel so down, only a miracle can return my happiness; I just can’t feel ALIVE
Yesterday I won the ‘Employee of the Year’s award, and my fellow colleagues were super jealous when I received the standing applause and yes about my double promotion; I was so happy. Today I’m luckiest to have 2 lovely munchkins in my life but as I feed my babies after every hour and clean their poos and wees; while scrolling down my Facebook wall, I feel envy about my fellow ex-colleagues who are churning big dollars.
My desperation soars, I feel my esteem is gone and nevertheless I try I feel less ALIVE.
He doesn’t hug me the way he used to do years back. May be he dislikes me, why he is not making any efforts? He is hesitant but I’m also shy in not expressing my true feelings to him. I don’t know why and when I develop these inhibitions for my love?
I don’t feel good about it and it feels as if major portion of my heart is insensate! Why can’t I feel ALIVE?
Well it’s not just about my physio-societal or personal relationship but about my complete life-circle. When it comes to relationships, family or friends; even then something major is missing. That charm, warmth, affection and attention that once was on splurge is in scarcity today.
Even I’m halfway vigilant towards my health too, that’s the indispensable part of my life, the reason I feel DEAD ALIVE!
I never realized how my existence became so dependent on the characteristics of other people? I came into this life on my own and made my own way but today as I see I have become a puppet of how people perceive me. I’m indeed happy with my life but the influential factors have string hold to complete distort or reform my life.
So here comes the question again, what am I waiting for? A miracle to happen before realizing that I’m lunatically proceeding towards my debacle. Do every adult behave the same way?
What about you, are you ALIVE?
This blog is part of my entry to #BlogchatterA2Zchallenge hosted by Blogchatter.

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Today I have started to live a new life. Today I aim to look beyond what's apparent and wish to explore a new world. Today I feel like to dive into an ocean of thoughts. Today I have realized that there was there was never any yesterday for me, its been always today!! My world encircles around my baby, biggy-baby (i.e my hubby) and my thoughts. Whether I'm free or occupied with stuff, I always think, dream about my thoughts, feelings and enjoy when my words gain visibility. I'm not any writer but recently I have fallen in love with writing and since then, this love is gaining momentum with every moment!! You can also read my blogs at :

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