“Shaadi ke baad sab badal jayega”, this is what you told me when you got convinced to marry at the age of 19. I wasn’t ready though because I wanted to study. But you said I will be free to do whatever I want to if I will obey husband and his family. They will let me fulfill my dreams. It never happened. My husband always wanted me to follow his family and they wanted me to produce babies.
How could I think about having a baby with someone I don’t love? He never even bothered about me. But then you stepped in again and persuaded me with your example that how a newborn will ignite love between us too and things will become normal. You said he will start to care for me. I was still not sure and begged for some time but his family was adamant.The pressure to start a family only increased. And one day my husband started to force himself on me. That was so horrible and beyond my imaginations about how a woman becomes a mother. Soon I became pregnant, all of you were so happy but I never felt any felicity. Day and night his family prayed for a grandson. You assured me that having a baby changes everything and I will have a upper hand once I will become a mother. As the days of my delivery came delivery came closer, my fears increased and one day what I thought actually happened, I gave birth to a girl! They all turned their faces from me and my poor baby. I felt as I have changed from a mother to a victim.
A cruel silence prevailed in the family for a longer time till the new speculations circled me; they wanted me to conceive again. They were sure it will be a boy this time and I couldn’t trust their instincts. But after an abortion and ultrasound confirmation by a paid doctor during my third pregnancy, big smiles came back on everyone’s face. My husband started expressing his affection towards me. I thought that will bring end to my sufferings. For the months ahead, I visualized whatever you told me about the new things baby will bring to my life. Once I gave birth to the baby boy, surprisingly nothing changed! This time it was a complete full stop.
5 years have passed since then. Today even my son doesn’t care about me. He remains busy playing with his expensive toys and eating new dishes that his Daadi prepares for him. These people never gave me chance to spend time with my boy apart from breastfeeding during the initial months and now he doesn’t even sit for a minute with me. What I’m left with are the household chores that never ends. My daughter now 7 is regularly send to your place and I really don’t know why?
I don’t feel like to do anything. My husband has stopped talking to me, earlier he used to come to me during nights but these days I see him occasionally, in months. I feel like to run away but I’m stuck in a loophole and it seems impossible to escape. You were right; my life has really changed after babies. I’m a mother now but with no affection to shower upon my kids. What shall I do? My one child doesn’t recognize me and the other one is not with me. Earlier I had option to separate from my husband and start a new life but today If I dare, I will lose both my children. And If I chose to leave them, this world will tag me as a witch throughout my life and I won’t be able to wash my identity.
My life has ended; but I still wish if I can be a 19 year old girl again! I want to go back to the day when you convinced me that being a wife and a mother is the best thing that happens to a woman’s life. I wish If I could have replied you with a big ‘No’on your face, about you being such a big liar. I wish I could have left you and father the very moment before dragging me into this hell and have shunned you guys forever!!
“Ek beti ko Maa banane ki itni jaldi kya thi”??
-An Anonymous yet prevailing life stor